Monday, March 28, 2011
...she said before we closed the door and said our good-byes, "now don't be one of those old people who said, 'i should've done that.'" staring at her in disbelief that she actually said that in this moment, i caught my breathe, and the uncertainty of outcome never more certain, i move. i smile at this woman who graced me with those simple words and subtly agree with her in a voice so soft, barely a whisper. looking out to the forest in front of the home my hand touches my heart. how simple those words were. lest i take them for granted....in just one moment life can explode...or at the least, my heart. but it is all based on choice. our indecision and our stationary comfort prevent us from moving. the barrier begins to build as the suppression of ideals and vision --desires themselves-- become routine. cynicism becomes commonplace. time steadily keeps moving and we allow it to pass without doing anything.
...it feels as though life happens all around us. too surreal to be a part of.
...we live within the realm of our capabilities. (mark, cool hand luke). we wait for complete understanding. we search for clear answers. compromise. what if they never come? what if faith is based on not completely knowing? what if hope is unseen? we live with our pasts surrounding us, blocking the very opportunities that may bring freedom from this suppression of who we are meant to be and the lives we were made to live. we walk only in the light of reality. what if God is more real? what if he can be found in the dark? we base so much on people. people are so volatile. God is consistent. constant. GOOD.
...we shield our faces from the glare of the world. we stumble on the hard piece of road we walk. when we begin to move we fear failure. ("he made the world a grassy road, for our bare, wandering feet" -- mewithoutYou), hesitation.
...what am i going to do with my hesitation? this is all i have. maybe moving beyond hesitation will bring disappointment. maybe choosing to live beyond what we've known will be complicated and trying...maybe dark sometimes. maybe we will fail. should that stop us? at least i will be disappointed together in the world with the one who created it.
...i would rather fail than live never having tried.
...maybe if i could stop living for myself. maybe if there was some good that existed within me. maybe if this grave of a body i live in was useful to something greater than my own pleasure and satisfaction. i have more half-loves than i would care to acknowledge. i am 100% the opposite of what i should be. if you know me, you probably know only who i chose to have you know. regardless...
...i have every intention to live.
...i have every intention to live as imperfect and failing at life as i am. i will never be a success in this world. but i know why i am alive. as unspecific as it will be. will you be a failure with me?
...my friend wrote, "maybe we can never know what tomorrow holds, but we know who holds it, and we can dive into it with our eyes closed and know we will land safely. do you think, maybe, sometime, on one of those crazy dives, you might hold my hand? "
...i won't be one of those cold and timid souls who has never lived. if you dare live it with me, i will hold your hand and we'll dive together...never saying, "i should've done that" because we already will have.
...Jesus have mercy on us.
(i found my old xanga site today and this was a post i wrote in 2006...)
Posted by AshleyM at Monday, March 28, 2011