Thursday, March 31, 2011
“In the entire history of the universe, let alone in your own history, there has never been another day just like today, and there will never be another just like it again. Today is the point to which all your yesterdays have been leading since the hour of your birth. It is the point from which all your tomorrows will proceed until the hour of your death. If you were aware of how precious today is, you could hardly live through it. Unless you are aware of how precious it is, you can hardly be said to be living at all.” Frederick Buechner
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Don't tell me it's too late for you..."mind over matter."
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
My hubs made this awesome box in the area of our backyard that would get the most sunlight, near our house so we couldn't use laziness as an excuse to avoid taking care of it, and also up there so it would have good drainage, too!
Monday, March 28, 2011
...she said before we closed the door and said our good-byes, "now don't be one of those old people who said, 'i should've done that.'" staring at her in disbelief that she actually said that in this moment, i caught my breathe, and the uncertainty of outcome never more certain, i move. i smile at this woman who graced me with those simple words and subtly agree with her in a voice so soft, barely a whisper. looking out to the forest in front of the home my hand touches my heart. how simple those words were. lest i take them for granted....in just one moment life can explode...or at the least, my heart. but it is all based on choice. our indecision and our stationary comfort prevent us from moving. the barrier begins to build as the suppression of ideals and vision --desires themselves-- become routine. cynicism becomes commonplace. time steadily keeps moving and we allow it to pass without doing anything.
...it feels as though life happens all around us. too surreal to be a part of.
...we live within the realm of our capabilities. (mark, cool hand luke). we wait for complete understanding. we search for clear answers. compromise. what if they never come? what if faith is based on not completely knowing? what if hope is unseen? we live with our pasts surrounding us, blocking the very opportunities that may bring freedom from this suppression of who we are meant to be and the lives we were made to live. we walk only in the light of reality. what if God is more real? what if he can be found in the dark? we base so much on people. people are so volatile. God is consistent. constant. GOOD.
...we shield our faces from the glare of the world. we stumble on the hard piece of road we walk. when we begin to move we fear failure. ("he made the world a grassy road, for our bare, wandering feet" -- mewithoutYou), hesitation.
...what am i going to do with my hesitation? this is all i have. maybe moving beyond hesitation will bring disappointment. maybe choosing to live beyond what we've known will be complicated and trying...maybe dark sometimes. maybe we will fail. should that stop us? at least i will be disappointed together in the world with the one who created it.
...i would rather fail than live never having tried.
...maybe if i could stop living for myself. maybe if there was some good that existed within me. maybe if this grave of a body i live in was useful to something greater than my own pleasure and satisfaction. i have more half-loves than i would care to acknowledge. i am 100% the opposite of what i should be. if you know me, you probably know only who i chose to have you know. regardless...
...i have every intention to live.
...i have every intention to live as imperfect and failing at life as i am. i will never be a success in this world. but i know why i am alive. as unspecific as it will be. will you be a failure with me?
...my friend wrote, "maybe we can never know what tomorrow holds, but we know who holds it, and we can dive into it with our eyes closed and know we will land safely. do you think, maybe, sometime, on one of those crazy dives, you might hold my hand? "
...i won't be one of those cold and timid souls who has never lived. if you dare live it with me, i will hold your hand and we'll dive together...never saying, "i should've done that" because we already will have.
...Jesus have mercy on us.
Friday, March 25, 2011
We've got to keep things lively here...and now to present Fashion Friday! Over the past maybe 6 months I've gotten wrapped up in a company called mark (this should be another disclaimer!). I wouldn't have considered myself a fashion guru...or anything close...but since becoming a mark rep I've gotten an inkling of a growing interest and fancy for it all!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Straw and cinders smoking forever as they float through ghost-life.
They smother flames in fear,
and die from lack of heat.
In others it cattle herds them to destruction,
relentless in hunger.
It peruses them from one passion to another,
until their whole landscape is charcoal.
In few it creeps across dry ground,
slow and seemingly subdued,
but it drives them none the less,
to great heights as they escape the cinders,
to great works as they climb to safety.
In the end the product is the same for all.
In the end the fire will consume them.
How to start a fire?
Are you sure you want to know?
-- Alexis Neptune
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
And then suddenly you become quite the mess of men... A rainy day occurs and you get entwined in life's complications. School debt. Limited choices. Too many opportunities. Everyone moves away;) You wonder where the piss the new cynical you came from.
Hello quarter-life crisis. There are books now on this, you know. No, you are not crazy. Yes, it is completely normal to have a crash post-college.
BUT. You start to get creative. Take on a new hobby. Realize you enjoy your coworkers a LOT. Find a friend in a place you least expected. Discover a coffeeshop you feel at home at finally. Remember you are good at stuff. Get married (maybe) and realize he really is your best friend. Then...the little fire starts to get lit under your butt again (haha! remember the XA house Heather...). You still have debt. You're still not working where you want to. Your coffeeshop brainchild is seemingly not going to happen. BUT. Despite being in the midst of complication you start to dream again. Refresh.
Hold steady, I'm starting to feel quite alive again. Purposeful again. Ready to send little fireworks bursting out of my chest standing on a building in Paris again. A real DREAM.
Do you scrunch your nose at the idea of a quarter-life crisis? Or does it relate?
Monday, March 21, 2011
And so the journey fires off! I've always waited for crazy restless gut feelings to propel me to write something that would remain on a blog post and put my soul at ease. But I'm finding that there's a lot of life I want to share that isn't related to my only blog labels of the past - death, love and nursing. Ugh. Yes, Rus, agreed. Love is so abysmal;) I've been pretty melodramatic, to say the least.
But. My life is pretty scattered. The past 2 years have amounted to me wanting to be a farmer. A master gardener. A craftster. An overseas dweller. An entrepreneur. A designer. A bass player. A rock singer. A quit-your-day-jobber. A blogger. A writer. A photographer. A runner. Etc.
And, yet, I still work the 9-5. As a nurse. (Raise your hand if you're already heard that I don't want to be a nurse).
There's just a few confessions I have to clear up before I attempt any consistency in blogging.
I kind of really enjoy top 40 music. (ouch).
I am terrified to have children someday.
And, yes, I do hate myself sometimes for it, but I still like Starbucks better than anything. Horrible, I know.
I really would like to buy this monster someday.
(this, I consider awesome. and just had to throw in there).
And I seriously want to put a bird on it.
So now that all false pretenses are out in the open. I think we can start a real blog now...(wait wait...I watch Victoria's Secret youtube videos to get motivated to take on the world and I put my gracious hubby and I in a lot of debt last year). Phew.
There's this nagging, relentless voice out there, even as I approach my later 20's, that calls to attention the unrealistic need to be perfection whether a hipster, trendster, momster - the coolest indie person turning 30...seriously.
And I'm just me and I think we could learn a a lot together.