Monday, February 08, 2010

it's all crazy! it's all false! it's all a dream! it's alright.

i've come to accept that my fate may very well lay in the hands of a certain city called West Fargo for the next 2 years and 8 months. little did we know when building a house last year that in order to receive the fantastic $8,000 new home owner tax credit we'd have to stick with the place for 3 years or repay our so generous government.

the majority of people we know seem to think we're ungracious or flat out stupid for even allowing the slightest desire to move after going through the work of building a house. i mean, doensn't the world and everyone know that you need to live in a place for the magical 3-5 years before moving to earn some equity...or just make it worth it? i think it's crazy bullshnap to (at this age, mind you, at the very least) settle for a place where something doesn't drive your heart wild to action and purpose. where you're not challenged to LIVE. where you can be as complacent as you want because everything is familiar and normal and easy peasy pah-cheesy. where you can't go sit at the top of a hill...or mountain...or volcano!! and watch life move about around you in the sunset and the city lights sparkle at night.

and it's definitely me, not him. i'm the restless, bipolar, unrelenting one of the group who can't commit to people or places and need the next adventure or high from experiencing something....new and beautiful! but is it all that bad?? up until i had to mature and get a career and be responsibly married (believe me, not a negative whatsoever, but the expectation of being responsible just because i'm married seems to me to be) i was more crazy for not dreaming and wanting to be so full of life and perspective and new-ness! now...i hear the little sputtle of polite laughter from each person i share just the top layer of icing of my restless-caked, dreaming mind. how many times have i heard the "oh ashley"... i keep hearing my normal side say "you're just soooo melodramatic." and how, in the past 3 years, has it come from dreaming and believing to "you're just soooo melodramatic."?

so much ado about everything. if this is really the place for me. for us. to really stay here another 2 years and 8 months, then we need to really really live here. experience all that the Fargo area has to offer. to find what drives our hearts wild to action and purpose within this place. to pull ourselves out of the thick muddy mud of complacency, and sit on top of the parking ramp to watch the sunset and city lights and experience all the life lessons we can quench out of it. it's scary to me because it's so boring. it's so mundane. it's so not overseas! it's so commital. it's so loooong. not for you, though, right? i know, 'it's really short in the scheme of life'...but it's 2 years 8 months! that's forever to me (melodramatic, i know, i know). work in an ICU and the vulnerability of each day is exhausting to understand.

so we'll see what happens. but i think i'd like to share it in a blog. i think. i might not be able to commit...! if not just for my sake, then maybe for someone else's eventually. it's been over a year and a half since i thought i had something to say. i think i'm frozen or stuck in a dream, like i am honestly completely going mindlessly crazy, not knowing if it's okay, hoping it's false. but it's alright.

2 comments (+add yours?)

Your Hunger Defines You said...

I love you X 1000!

You. Me. Right now. Must happen. I almost drove to Fargo last night at 9. How about we plan an escape for my b-day? I'm loving the sound of Bemidji right now. Is that amazing Jennie still living there?

Greg said...

Hey girl,
I hear ya! You were always the adventure one! Just remember God has placed you in this place for a reason. He needs your personality to touch another life, to spark the true meaning of life. Don't be to quick to move, you might miss the sweet adventure in front of you.

Glad I found your blog!!
Chris Ireland