Tuesday, March 04, 2008

i've got 10 friends and a crowbar that says you ain't gonna do jack...

the silence i have heard within myself has been for far too long. i don't know what my voice sounds like or what it even is. i am agreeable. i don't argue. i have been very content for very long to let you think whatever you will about whatever you think about.

maybe it's because i want to be a peacemaker. and i truly want to love people for who they are. and i want to be a listener and have you tell me anything you think/feel without feeling judged by yet another person...especially another Christian.

BUT. when i finally do have something to say it feels awkward. especially when i know it may offend another person. but sometimes it does need to be said, doesn't it? sometimes we are in a place to have a voice. sometimes the people who do have the louder voice are completely wrong and yet they have the louder voice and they are the only ones being heard. because we aren't saying anything.

we aren't saying anything.

sometimes it needs to be said and there is no one willing to do it. because it's uncomfortable. because maybe we don't really believe it in the first place...but feel that maybe we should...but not today. today is not the day to speak up.

but maybe today is the day.

i have "my own issues" with criticism. i sometimes thrive on it, because then i know that i'm actually doing something right. i sometimes fume with what i want to believe is "holy" anger because i can't believe another person who is supposed to be my friend or support would talk about me in such a way. but i usually do this only within me. but sometimes something needs to be said.

so i said it. or more so wrote it because it was an email sent to me.

and i wrote back a long, researched email and i used my voice that i usually stuff and sit on comfortably like one of those cushy couch cushions on your parents' new posh couch (which they can finally buy now that you're out of the house;)

and i was so embarrassed, so humiliated. after i sent it. why doesn't google give us more control to erase our mistakes?!

i began to rethink everything i had said and wished i could delete other people's inboxes for their own sake (or more so mine). i kept hoping that this email wouldn't change their view on me or lower my "cool" level or make them respect me less.

then a day passed (which sometimes we just need the day to be over and the new beginning offered with the next morning is profoundly different). i reread my email and was proud of it. i said everything my heart had been trying to shout out. it wasn't offensive, but was slightly heated. i gave my voice an outlet and it was the truth.

why do we try to be so careful to not step on our brother's and sister's toes? how will we ever bring heaven to earth without using our subtle voices to speak against wrong and injustice? if we are only working to be nonoffensive how will we ever challenge people to be the people they have been created to be? why do we keep our voices so subtle and meek?

so i'm talking in circles again...


1 comments (+add yours?)

oldtranslations said...

hey, no worries. it turned out to be ok with her at jenny's family's house. the exposure to other animals seems like it calmed her down a little bit.

i hear donating one's eggs is sort of a painful process, so i think i'll leave it on the back burner, along with other acts of desperation, such as selling a kidney.