Thursday, March 31, 2011

You strike the match...why not be utterly changed to fire?

“In the entire history of the universe, let alone in your own history, there has never been another day just like today, and there will never be another just like it again. Today is the point to which all your yesterdays have been leading since the hour of your birth. It is the point from which all your tomorrows will proceed until the hour of your death. If you were aware of how precious today is, you could hardly live through it. Unless you are aware of how precious it is, you can hardly be said to be living at all.” Frederick Buechner

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

i never said i was brave...

Spent the evening in the ER with an amazing 86-year-old lady tonight.  

She leaves for Prague in May.  Just another adventure!  And a crazy addition to her tale.

You know, really, regardless of circumstances and things you feel have been aimed endlessly at you to make you fail, hurt, lose, cry, give up, hate, and drink that really wonderful, ice cold rum and coke you still are choosing the rest.

It's this one flippin' life you have!!  And oh the multitudes of excuses we many legitimate excuses we conjure much I still will pacify my mind with why I can't do it...excuses are getting old.

...But the cure for pain is in the pain (mewithoutYou).  Grandpa P drilled into me "mind over matter." Poking his finger into his temple looking at me dead on in the eye "mind over matter."  Running, with the pain creeping up my legs and so much more to run, "mind over matter." 

Don't tell me it's too late for you..."mind over matter."

"you were wild once. don't let them tame you." isadora duncan

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

returning the smile you have had from the start...(and how to build a lasagna garden)

Spring is such a tease.

But I am beyond beyond beyond excited to GARDEN!!  


BAM.  I seriously want to learn some things like crazy.  Let's just go ahead and say A LOT of things.  There are also these things that I need to begin to learn mas mas mas!  Such as gardening.  Now (elephant in the room).  This is a whole different issue as I close to despise being committed to living in a home I own, but there is quite a wonderful world out there in the mysterious land of home ownership that you can peruse and reap quite a bounty of beautiful, loveliness.  (And, don't remind me you can do this without owning a house;)  Ah!).

(Try It Out Tuesday is going to be a show and tell type of me as I fail making something day from another tutorial...or celebrate with a sweet youtube seinfeld-elaine-dancing video that something I made worked kind of day...from composting, crafting, music making, etc).
Lasagna gardening!  We are well aware of our clay-crazed soil and the lack of drainage due to it being located near a river.  So, after a bunch of "research" (thank you google), I decided to try a lasagna garden last spring!  I'm all for simplicity and cheap and this garden has it all with some creativity.  I'm basically creating my own soil situation by having a raised garden rather than using the clay soil in our yard.  The book is by Patricia Lanza and is super practical.
I started to compile my lasagna ingredients!  Now, you're probably way smarter than me, but I initially thought a lasagna garden from its very name would be ingredients for lasagna in some weird way (but now that I think of that, it would include a cow and noodles;) gross).  Lasagna is just how you pile your "ingredients" like layers of lasagna where something like peat moss is the repeating noodle.
My ingredient list that I compiled over about a month:
*Newspapers (nothing colored, only the black and white pages)
*Grass clippings (from the boulevard that people were tossing early spring - these WILL smell if you leave them in your garage too long from the moisture!)
*Starbucks coffee grounds
*Compost (1 yard that you can get free for a couple weekends from the City of Fargo dump in May)
*Barn litter (manure...from my coworker)
*Lumber (being tossed by my father-in-law)
*Hay (took a couple bagfuls from a large hay bale I found in south Fargo!)
*Peat moss (1 of the 2 things I had to actually purchase - about 4-5 large ones - maybe $4 each??)
*Miracle Grow's Organic Top Soil (just used 1 bag - 2 of 2 things I had to buy)

My hubs made this awesome box in the area of our backyard that would get the most sunlight, near our house so we couldn't use laziness as an excuse to avoid taking care of it, and also up there so it would have good drainage, too!
We covered the bottom with wet newspaper (note I didn't adhere to ONLY black and white paper, but I ended up just avoiding the shiny fliers).  The bottom newspaper layer can go on top of sod or any soil.  It keeps crazy weeds from getting ANY sunlight, oxygen, etc! 
Covered next with the first layer of peat moss.  This helps keep your garden aerated with good oxygen flow.
Next, you get McDonald's.  Because, if you're like us, you're just not that indie;)
Straw!  You're pretty much rotating layers of browns and greens, which someday we'll talk about with composting!
Peat moss!  This is just getting too exciting.
My smelly grass clippings I stole.  Om nom nom nom.
*growl in your best hardcore voice* PEAT MOSS!
Barn litter!  Cow shiz!
Peat moss and then the city's compost...
P.E.A.T. moss!
Starbucks coffee grounds and the other thing I forgot I bought...Miracle Grow's Organic Top Soil!
Some things such as asparagus (good luck), tomatoes, jalapenos, bell peppers we bought from the Botanical Garden Society's (near the FM Humane Society) sale...
Along the edges we planted seeds!  Such as peas, spinach, basil, carrots, onions...
We protected some of the taller stalk things with milk cartons as it was a really windy spot to pick! (BOO)
I got to learn about a whole lotta other problems throughout the summer such as aphids, little cute as a button green worms that destroy everything, mold, questionable blight or some other stupid disease, and such.  BUT.  Nonetheless, I LOVED this type of gardening!  We didn't have to worry about rabbits, our dog peeing on it, drainage problems with crazy rain, and it's so easy to weed (hardly any at all anyways!) as you don't have to bend down and the soil is so nice and loose it's easy to pull them out!  As the soil you created starts to compost and make even more beautiful soil below your garden does start to settle and decrease in height...

Lastly, did I mention that I could pee my pants in excitement to BBQ PEACHES?!!  $%^$#@ yeah!

(ps...don't try to bleach your hair when you blog.  you forget it's in've gotta run!)

Monday, March 28, 2011

a view beyond the cave...

 ...she said before we closed the door and said our good-byes, "now don't be one of those old people who said, 'i should've done that.'" staring at her in disbelief that she actually said that in this moment, i caught my breathe, and the uncertainty of outcome never more certain, i move. i smile at this woman who graced me with those simple words and subtly agree with her in a voice so soft, barely a whisper. looking out to the forest in front of the home my hand touches my heart. how simple those words were. lest i take them for granted. just one moment life can explode...or at the least, my heart. but it is all based on choice. our indecision and our stationary comfort prevent us from moving. the barrier begins to build as the suppression of ideals and vision --desires themselves-- become routine. cynicism becomes commonplace. time steadily keeps moving and we allow it to pass without doing anything. feels as though life happens all around us. too surreal to be a part of.

...we live within the realm of our capabilities. (mark, cool hand luke). we wait for complete understanding. we search for clear answers. compromise. what if they never come? what if faith is based on not completely knowing? what if hope is unseen? we live with our pasts surrounding us, blocking the very opportunities that may bring freedom from this suppression of who we are meant to be and the lives we were made to live. we walk only in the light of reality. what if God is more real? what if he can be found in the dark? we base so much on people. people are so volatile. God is consistent. constant. GOOD.

...we shield our faces from the glare of the world. we stumble on the hard piece of road we walk. when we begin to move we fear failure. ("he made the world a grassy road, for our bare, wandering feet" -- mewithoutYou),  hesitation.

...what am i going to do with my hesitation? this is all i have. maybe moving beyond hesitation will bring disappointment. maybe choosing to live beyond what we've known will be complicated and trying...maybe dark sometimes. maybe we will fail. should that stop us? at least i will be disappointed together in the world with the one who created it.

...i would rather fail than live never having tried.

...maybe if i could stop living for myself. maybe if there was some good that existed within me. maybe if this grave of a body i live in was useful to something greater than my own pleasure and satisfaction. i have more half-loves than i would care to acknowledge. i am 100% the opposite of what i should be. if you know me, you probably know only who i chose to have you know. regardless...

...i have every intention to live.

...i have every intention to live as imperfect and failing at life as i am. i will never be a success in this world. but i know why i am alive. as unspecific as it will be. will you be a failure with me? friend wrote, "maybe we can never know what tomorrow holds, but we know who holds it, and we can dive into it with our eyes closed and know we will land safely. do you think, maybe, sometime, on one of those crazy dives, you might hold my hand? "
...i won't be one of those cold and timid souls who has never lived. if you dare live it with me, i will hold your hand and we'll dive together...never saying, "i should've done that" because we already will have.
...Jesus have mercy on us.

(i found my old xanga site today and this was a post i wrote in 2006...)

Friday, March 25, 2011

Happiness Hit Her Like a Train on a Track...

Fashionable Friday

We've got to keep things lively here...and now to present Fashion Friday!  Over the past maybe 6 months I've gotten wrapped up in a company called mark (this should be another disclaimer!).  I wouldn't have considered myself a fashion guru...or anything close...but since becoming a mark rep I've gotten an inkling of a growing interest and fancy for it all!  

So once a week, bear with me and enjoy some pretty things!  Pink, lace, ruffles, and feminine are my most fancied things right now.  The best part is the DIY and craft part, however.  

One of our Unglued amazing crafters was This Earthly Tent.  Loved the lace, daintiness of it all!
Also loving the minty green nail polish and ruffles...  mark is coming out with a combo bright red/mint green nail polish and it's going to be sah-weet and they have this fantastic ruffled tank, too, now online!
Check out my mark store sometime.  After going to NYC with them it's kind of awesome how on trend they stay.

So, signing out for the weekend...hope yours is completely beautiful and amazing!  See you Monday you lovelies!


Thursday, March 24, 2011

the melting point of wax means nothing to me.

In some it is never lit.
Straw and cinders smoking forever as they float through ghost-life.
They smother flames in fear,
and die from lack of heat.
In others it cattle herds them to destruction,
relentless in hunger.
It peruses them from one passion to another,
until their whole landscape is charcoal.
In few it creeps across dry ground,
slow and seemingly subdued,
but it drives them none the less,
to great heights as they escape the cinders,
to great works as they climb to safety.
In the end the product is the same for all.
In the end the fire will consume them.

How to start a fire?
Are you sure you want to know?

-- Alexis Neptune

...from the Further Seems Forever album.  If I could get a huge text tattoo it would be of this poem.  I have it on my coffee mug since early college.  We enjoy false safety only to the death of our dreams.  Shall we start a new adventure now?

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Wake up naked, drinking coffee, making plans to change the world.

I don't know if you were like me back in high school, but I was the epitome of optimism.  I had such a fire lit under my butt to read books about being a world changer.  I wanted nothing more in life than to live in a straw hut in Africa and save the world starting with that little village.  I would get together with best friend Jenny and we would pray until we literally thought we caused a storm to occur to make a difference and we were falling down.  When I think about it I seriously picture explosions of color and rainbows bursting forth from our chests in our drive to figure out our purpose...which reminds me of something Katy Perry put together...;) - (and you thought top 40 wouldn't ever come up again).
And then suddenly you become quite the mess of men...   A rainy day occurs and you get entwined in life's complications.  School debt.  Limited choices.  Too many opportunities.  Everyone moves away;) You wonder where the piss the new cynical you came from.  

Hello quarter-life crisis.  There are books now on this, you know.  No, you are not crazy.  Yes, it is completely normal to have a crash post-college. 

BUT.  You start to get creative.  Take on a new hobby.  Realize you enjoy your coworkers a LOT.  Find a friend in a place you least expected.  Discover a coffeeshop you feel at home at finally.  Remember you are good at stuff.  Get married (maybe) and realize he really is your best friend.  Then...the little fire starts to get lit under your butt again (haha!  remember the XA house Heather...).  You still have debt.  You're still not working where you want to.  Your coffeeshop brainchild is seemingly not going to happen.  BUT.  Despite being in the midst of complication you start to dream again.  Refresh.

Hold steady, I'm starting to feel quite alive again.  Purposeful again.  Ready to send little fireworks bursting out of my chest standing on a building in Paris again.  A real DREAM. 

Do you scrunch your nose at the idea of a quarter-life crisis?  Or does it relate?
"All around you, people will be tiptoeing through life, just to arrive at death safely. But dear children, do not tiptoe. Run, hop, skip, or dance, just don't tiptoe." Shane Claiborne's professor

Monday, March 21, 2011

today i will be happier than a bird with a french fry.

And so the journey fires off! I've always waited for crazy restless gut feelings to propel me to write something that would remain on a blog post and put my soul at ease. But I'm finding that there's a lot of life I want to share that isn't related to my only blog labels of the past - death, love and nursing. Ugh. Yes, Rus, agreed. Love is so abysmal;) I've been pretty melodramatic, to say the least.

But. My life is pretty scattered. The past 2 years have a
mounted to me wanting to be a farmer. A master gardener. A craftster. An overseas dweller. An entrepreneur. A designer. A bass player. A rock singer. A quit-your-day-jobber. A blogger. A writer. A photographer. A runner. Etc.

And, yet, I still work the 9-5. As a nurse. (Raise your hand if you're already heard that I don't want to be a nurse).

There's just a few confessions I have to clear up before I attempt any
consistency in blogging.

I kind of really enjoy top 40 music. (ouch).

I am terrified to have children someday.

And, yes, I do hate myself sometimes for it, but I still like Starbucks better than anything. Horrible, I know.

I can honestly say I really enjoy living in Fargo.

I really would like to buy this monst
er someday.
(this, I consider awesome. and just had to throw in there).

And I seriously want to put a bird on it.

So now that all false pretenses are out in the open. I think we can start a real blog now...
(wait wait...I watch Victoria's Secret youtube videos to get motivated to take on the world and I put my gracious hubby and I in a lot of debt last year). Phew.

There's this nagging, relentless voice out there, even as I approach my later 20's, that calls to attention the unrealistic need to be perfection whether a hipster, trendster, momster - the coolest indie person turning 30...seriously.

And I'm just me and I think we could learn a a lot together

Let's go for the inspiring...learning...creating...and loving (the abyss!).this was a great day.